By John Norberg, humor columnist
Last week my wife came home and found me sprawled on the couch.
Wife: “What’s the matter?”
Me: “It’s serious. I have anemia, hypothyroidism a urinary tract infection, food intolerance, sleep apnea, heart disease, chronic fatigue syndrome and adrenal fatigue. Do you know what this means?”
Wife: “Yes. It means you’ve been diagnosing yourself on the Internet again.”
Me: “I might also be pregnant.”
We live in a great age. My wife and I used to watch a movie on TV and wonder when it was made, what happened to an actor, did it win an Academy Award?
But today we have the Internet and Google and the answer to any question imaginable – including medical advice -- is no farther away than our computer or cell phone.
Going to the doctor makes me nervous. His nurse makes me stand on a scale and she gives me shots.
So like millions of other people, when I have a health problem I go to the Internet. When I had a heart attack in the middle of the night my wife found me at my computer Googling “chest pain.”
Wife: “Why don’t you Google, ‘dumb things men do when they’re having chest pains instead of rushing to the emergency room?’”
She had me in the emergency room in 10 minutes and banned me from the computer for two months.
Lately I’m tired a lot, so I Googled “why am I so tired.” I got 115 million results.
Wife: “If you’re tired, go to the doctor, get blood tests and find out what’s wrong.”
Me: “I don’t need to. Look at all this medical advice that’s available free on the Internet. I was up half the night looking at these 115 million sites and I was up the other half trying to figure out what anemia, hypothyroidism, urinary tract infections, food intolerance, sleep apnea, heart disease, chronic fatigue syndrome and adrenal fatigue are. I’ve read the symptoms. I have them all. I’m doomed.”
Wife: “Have you ever considered you might be tired because you’re staying up all night looking up diseases you think you have on the Internet?”
I don’t think it’s fair to bring common sense into a husband and wife discussion.
A little later I found my wife lying down with a splitting headache. I told her to Google “women” and “headache” on the Internet. She did.
In less than half a second she got 137 million results that all said “husband.”
Maybe the Internet isn’t as good at this stuff as I thought it was.
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